Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 - 10:12 p.m.

Good God Almighty, what a day I've had. It's been so shocking and upsetting, I'm sick to my stomach hours later. I'll try telling it chronologically (and hope it makes some sense). The theme is mothers - good ones, and not.

I was already upset over Helen's mother's death. I spoke to her today. She called on her way for the official time of sitting Shiva. They buried her mother yesterday, and Helen said there were scores of people there, all talking about how wonderful and selfless her mother was. A Web search of her mother's name comes up with many references to "volunteer of the year" and such honors. Helen said she was bowled over, even though she knew her mother's accomplishments, at how many people thought SO highly of her mother. Her mother was one of the good ones - supportive, guiding without being overly restrictive or critical. Helen wrote a eulogy and managed to deliver it at the funeral, and she said she'd send me a copy. I look forward to seeing it.

Then my friend LizB sent me an e-mail telling me her cat died suddenly. We both take our being "furbabies' mommies" seriously, so this was extremely upsetting. I called her immediately, and while we were mourning the cat,she said she hadn't been able to reach her mother for several hours. Her mother is in poor health and pretty much a shut-in, so it was cause for concern. I told her to let me know when she spoke to her mother.

After I hung up with her, I decided to call my mother for her birthday. She turned 70 on Wednesday. I sang happy birthday to her and told her I love her when I finished the song. She thanked me. Then she said she'd gotten some flowers from the four of us siblings. I didn't know about them. Mama said the writing looks like my sister Kay's, so I guess she just sent them in our names. Then Mama said "It looks cheap, and it smells bad." Apparently the filler flowers were not a good choice. I told her to pull them out, then smell the roses. Mama was in her usual "poor, pitiful me, everybody treats me bad and I'm so good to them all" mode. *sigh* I knew it would be that way when I called. It always is.

Then I got a call-waiting beep, and it was LB. I asked Mama to hold a second, then clicked over. LB was crying and said, "You're not going to believe this." I immediately thought her mother had died, too, and started crying. She said no, but that her mother had gone into the hospital the day before and had told people not to tell her only child, LB. (One of the things we have in common is selfish, childish mothers.) I asked her to hold it together a few and I would call her right back. She understood about me being on the phone with Mama.

When I clicked back over to Mama, I was still teary and I told Mama what LB called about and said, "Oh, I am SO glad to have my mother; I love you so much." Her reply: "Well, I have a hard time telling it." My mother attacked me for telling her I love her. Is that fvcked up, or what? She proceeded to tear me several new ones about any and everything she could think of that my siblings and I had done. I held my tongue because it's her birthday, and I didn't want to fight with my mother at all, much less on her birthday. I should have hung up on her. It was horrible, and lasted more than an hour. The whole episode left me feeling weak, both emotionally and physically.

Then I called LB back, and she'd spoken to her mother. They'd also fought. LB has been wanting her mother to move in with her and her hubby, but she knows it would be detrimental to her mental health. I think her mother will end up in assisted living or something like that, if she makes it out of the hospital.

One thing funny tho, is when I was telling Sus about it, she said it sounded like the Carol Burnett "Mama" character and her daughter Eunice. Sus does a pretty good imitation of them. lol!

I'd been thinking my life was feeling pretty sane, if a tad dull and depressing (adjusting to a new city and job, mostly). Now I know why - I hadn't talked to my mother for more than a month. She's a crazy-maker, and for my own health and sanity, I have to stay away from her and take her in small doses, so to speak. It's really sad. She sees that all her children, and others, are pulling away from her, but none of it is her fault. She blames in-laws, scheming neighbors... anything but how she acts. She is a bottomless pit of want, and she cannot - will not - be pleased with anyone's best effort. Springsteen has a song called "My Best Was Never Good Enough." I think of my mother every time I hear it.I've begged Mama to see a shrink, and sometimes she'll say she will, but she never goes. So instead the people around her have to go.

On the good side, I finished the dog run. Hagrid has been showing me where the gaps are, and I've been plugging them. Sabrina seems content to accept the boundaries as they are. I'd tried to keep it looking pretty, but dogs this small are just too hard to contain with "pretty." So, I think I'm going to go ahead and put up chicken wire or something like that. Meanwhile, the dogs are loving getting to spend more time in the yard, and they have some sense of freedom without the tie-out on their neck.

Didn't get to go to bingo. I was too busy going through hell. I hope Missy went, and won.

Please, let tomorrow be better.
G.A.

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